Colombia: baby got back

Colombia is a country obsessed with ass and proud of it. They like them big and round. Shakira's got nothing - hers is like the diet Coke of asses. She's got an ass that's been dumbed down for Western tastes. Everywhere we look there are gargantuan asses, and every television screen seems to be playing a show dedicated to ass. Matt had a haircut and a shave the other day and while waiting at the barber, I watched an entire music video made up of clips of fabulous asses. These were seriously big, perfectly shaped bums, wearing only the skimpiest of g-strings while shaking it for the cameras. It was mesmerising.

Shops are full of control underwear designed to lift, shape and accentuate. Even the lollipops are called Bon Bon Bum. Like the Brazilian bikini wax, Colombia has a procedure named after it: the Colombian Hi-Def Butt Lift. Colombia can also lay claim to inventing butt-lifting jeans.

Yesterday, we were walking along the streets of Santa Marta and one of the stalls had a television showing some kind of entertainment programme that involved measuring a particularly well-endowed woman's bum. A competition followed where a volunteer from the audience lay down on the stage and one of the traditionally built ladies shook her booty over his face. The bum wiggle was so vigorous that she inadvertently knocked the Asian volunteer out - they don't make them like that in Japan. In the words of Beyonce, I don't think he was ready for her jelly.

Shake that ass for me...